Agent: Trace Luger
Agent Number: 17
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown
Ht: 70" Wt: 175
Specialties: Bass guitar, emergency medical treatment, small arms
Strengths: Well-grounded perspective in unstable situations; mentally and physically tough under pressure; extremely loyal, dependable
Known weaknesses: Can be stubborn and/or withdrawn to the point of aggression
BIOGRAPHICAL INFORMATION -- CHILDHOOD
A Mystery Inside a Puzzle Wrapped in a Cheerleader Outfit
Trace Luger is a bastard. Don�t get the wrong idea -- he�s a pretty nice guy once you get to know him, provided his teams are all doing okay and cold beer isn�t far away. What we mean to say is that Agent Luger is a bastard in the literal sense -- no one has proven for sure who his father his, though there are some leading candidates. It all started back in Tuscaloosa, home of the Alabama Crimson Tide. One thing we do know is that Trace�s mom was a varsity University of Alabama cheerleader, based on an undated photo in the Syndicate archives -- the resemblance is unmistakable. Contemporary sources have verified this as well, though never in much detail -- all sources contacted so far have terminated the interview beyond one or two simple questions.
College football dominates the social landscape of Alabama. And Alabama has had some very good football teams, populated by some very charismatic, handsome men who were known to have a strong interest in the ladies -- guys like Joe Namath -- Lee Roy Jordan -- Kenny Stabler -- John Hannah -- Johnny Musso. It should also be noted that Tuscaloosans cherish their leisure time. As such, the town has one of the highest per capita beer consumption rates of any town of comparable size in America. (Hell, any town of ANY size for that matter -- bring em on.) Well, you should know where this story is going.
The Crimson Tide won a lot of games in the sixties and early seventies, except for a bitter two seasons in 1969-70 before Coach Bryant adopted the Wishbone Offense. This pre-�69 and post-�70 success made for a lot of parties. Football parties make for drunk cheerleaders and drunk players. Young, physically fit bodies make for raging hormones. And the next thing you know, the squad�s most beautiful cheerleader drops out out of school for two semesters. At least that�s how it looked to the most observant watchers of things cheerleader-related.
The real problem with researching events such as these are the incomplete, often inaccurate records kept of cheerleading rosters and academic records -- how many casual viewers can tell if they are, in fact, the exact same lineup of cheerleaders week after week? The University has a plethora of long-legged, exhuberant young damsels who fit within a certain �look.� Could, there in fact, be a whole bevy of near-identical Bama beauties, ready to sub in when one of the starters can�t make it?
This Cheerleader Conspiracy is not as far-fetched as it may sound. Alabama is a pretty conservative state, and it wouldn�t do to have varsity cheerleaders waddling around pregnant on the sidelines, even if daddy is a few yards away knocking Florida Gators on their asses. It just don�t work that way. Southerners will go to great lengths to avoid the obvious, especially if it has the power to embarrass. The last thing the University needs is pregnant cheerleaders burning their bras in Denny Stadium -- let the freaks and commies out in Berkeley do that nonsense.
The problem is compounded by the fact that Luger�s mother herself disappeared from public view some 20 years ago. Rumors abound on her whereabouts, and the Syndicate has obtained some fairly convincing photos from operatives stationed in Australia and as well as Milan, Italy. Ordinarily very forthright and cooperative on Syndicate matters, Luger has been tight-lipped on the subject of his mother�s current activities and history, which hasn�t helped matters for the legion of fans curious about his childhood.
The Headless Quarterback
All he has offered is a blurry photo of a toddler playing catch with a uniformed Crimson Tide football player, whose head is cropped out of the top of the photo. The player�s number is 12, but unfortunately, Alabama jerseys did not have names on the shoulders before 1981. The Syndicate�s legal department has advised us not to publicly speculate on the relevance of this photo to the whole fatherhood issue.
But anyway, as best Syndicate researchers can tell, and based on extensive medical testing in the Syndicate clinic, Luger�s year of birth falls somewhere between 1965 and 1972. There is some disagreement within the ranks of staff medical personnel on this very issue. One camp believes Luger�s athletic training has kept him looking rather young for his age, and hence argues for a Namath/Stabler Era birthdate; the other camp argues strongly for a Wishbone Years birthdate, saying Luger has artificially aged his body through too many late nights and scotch & sodas.
At any rate, Luger refuses to divulge information on any part of his life prior to the year 1985. Syndicate bylaws do not require him to, though interest is high. Agent Luger�s fans can only hope the most intensely private of The Penetrators will one day tell his story. So far he has only said that the curious can learn all they need to know about his early childhood in The Penetrators� song Night of the Drunken Cheerleaders -- a song which of course, has no lyrics.
TO BE CONTINUED